Everything

It’s interesting how the day plays out at time. It is interesting to witness one thing and have a reaction that is not the norm. It is also interesting to see the expressions on other people’s faces when you are acting out of the norm. Now, acting out of the norm may be the norm for some people. Certain people’s norm is not norm at all. However, it is a way of life and it becomes a norm to them. I am just rambling and typing at the same time. This is about nothing. However, that is the interesting matter; to write about nothing at all. I look over my shoulder and realize that everyone is functioning and everyone is following through with there day to day activity. That is funny to me. We are nothing but bees in a beehive. We all have our own duties to do. Not just at work, but in life. The same reason the receptionist brings the boss coffee is the same reason why the boss picks up the dry cleaning for his wife. Interesting who people really are and what they do when placed in their norm. This is why life is interesting and the day to day moments are just made up of little factors that, as a whole,, feed into a filter which generates into actions of this everyday mediocrity of life. The thoughts are endless, as well as interesting.

The inspiration for this post comes from this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amwVyRH2B8A

“Think rational and hold still, when the light will come, it will shine on you. Days may seem dim and nights may seem darker, but her smile will make the days brighter.” Eric thought. All Eric needed is her hand in his hand to make this day breathe better. Simplicity no longer seems easy to Eric; the thoughts from the mind drive him close to the edge. People passing by him keep on walking without a glance. He is just a shadow in the crowd. However, they know where the source of sadness is. It is the one that sulks as he walks. It’s the one that drowns his own eyes in his own tears. Change is to come, but when? Thinking to himself, “Oh, love will come set me free. I do believe. Love will come set me free.”

The heart knows what it wants, but the mind begs to differ. The mind wanders in ten different directions to find justification in oneself. Oh, love will come set me free. Eric sings to himself over and over. He waits for the days where soft hands dry his tears and he no longer walks alone in a crowd where he is the unknown. Her smile sets the day’s mood with soft kisses to the cheek and a warm hand to hold on the walk home. Caught up in his thoughts, “Oh, love will come set me free. I do believe. Love will come set me free.”

Eric still waits for the day for that day to come. He looks intently out the window everyday, waiting for something amazing to happen. He just wants the truth of what there really is out there. Eric looks to the days when soberness of a happy life was clear and the stars were a wonder. Looking up to the sky now is another chore; gazing the sky for a shooter so that he may wish for a change. “What happened to the days where you were rewarded for your efforts?” Now, efforts are nothing unless he gets what he wants. Eric pleading, “Oh, love will come set me free. I do believe. Love will come set me free.”

Eric does not know why he feels bad about the things he says. Questions keep popping into his head like, “Why do I look to better days to come instead of looking to better days that have passed?” Oh please tell him that love will come set him free. He can’t explain why he lives this way. He is just living to find better days. With a defeated voice, he exclaims, “I still sit here in the dark for a day that love will come set me free. I do believe. Love will come set me free. “

What is the reason for people to stop thinking with their head and rely on their heart? Emotions have taking over the body as a whole. It affects the sleep and appetite. It also takes a toll on a person mentally, physically, and emotionally (of course). It is like a disease which has infected not just one’s body, but soul.  Falling is the worst a person can ever do. You let all your inhibitions go and have drowned in a lake of self guilt and not good enough’s. The heart speaks in its own tongue, but I do not understand it. All I know that it wants what it wants, but can never get what it truly wants. Settling becomes regular. Emotion, no need to come out no more! You have been pushed back into a cave with no return! No more reason to wait, no more reason to pout, and no more reason to believe in a complete idiotic need. It was never a need, always a want. People do not always get what they want. Why should the heart be any different? A person is torn between the real and the fantasy. The fantasy is always driven by emotions which are the worst place you can let thought go. This disease has taken over the body and has infected the inner self of a person with fake stories and happy fake thoughts. Forget the wrong doing of yourself. get yourself better. Get up and get out. Being locked in a closet where the only thing you have is your emotions to entertain you is not worth the pain you have when you finally get out as your emotions have lingered. Mine as well throw in a gun with one bullet. Entertain yourself with a fun game of Russian roulette rather than diluting yourself in obsession. The point is not to let emotions get to you. Live your life, and live it good.

What is it to be upset and see another person not be upset at all? The reason is blinding to one, but so clear to another. Since the day begun, the pointing fingers had shifted to another. Not good to be a person that loves the hindering moment of the past. The realization of what has happened, and realizing there is nothing to come after so much assurance. Felt as real as day, but was fictional as Willy Wonka. You feel as if you are lost in a world of color, but are slapped with the gray truth. Charisma? What is it? It is not enough to handle a situation. It is merely a act to show one’s not-so-real self. Confidence is the key to make clear choices. Forget the reasons of being ashtray. When you are, it has already happened. You need a good head on your shoulders to know how to get back on the route to real. You were once lost, but now you have found your own way back. Many people pointed the way back to realness, yet you still needed to find your own way back. When you think of it, you need yourself and no one else to push you. If you are at a place or time where directions are figment, then you, yourself, will bring you back.

What can I say? For the first time in my life, I have nothing to say. I know I screwed up. I had somehting there sitting right there in front of me. What do I do? I let it go away! Why even write? I have overlooked soemthing that will affect not just today, but my whole life. I am personally blamed for my own let down. I am not saying that I will end my life. However, it will affect my direction for the rest of my life. I had soemhtign right there that would be a sure thing for me and everyone around me. It is so funny how you never realize what you could have. Instead, you look for what ifs! What if I do this? Or what if I do that? Enough of this and that, it’s time to look for NOW. I am my own person, I cannot let others ideas and directions (for me) affect my decision. It is crazy. I am LOST! Where do i go from here. I kept on digging my own grave and I never realized it. Now, I mus worry about what is to be. Whereas, I could have worred about what is to come and what would I do with it. It sounds the the same, but there is a thin line. I know I might be little confusing, but who cares. This is my outlet to write and figure things out; but, i am still lost.

It is interesting to see how much a person measures him/herself. I have recently found myself doing the same thing. Do I have what it takes? If i do have “it”, what is “it”. Constantly, I am in the search of an answer I do not the the question to. Do we really measure ourselves by lining up with the rest of the world? Ever individual is in the constant fight to be better than each other. That’s not a measurement, thats a contest. I am not here for this contest. If i do decide to compete, what is my prize? I know! The prize will be bragging right for this mediocre bubble we call life. If that is the case, leave me out of this race. Believe what you will. When is the last time you (the reader) did not do something just to be ahead? You push yourself and you keep on pushing to the point that there is no fight left in you. Then, one day you look back on your life and you see all you have done and what do you do? You compare. You compare yourself to everyone you have ever known to make justification of all the good you have done. I am not saying for a person not to push themselves to be the best. What I am saying that there is a thin line between doing it for yourself and doing it for a reward. It the end, we justify ourself to realize who you actually are. I have come close, I have almost fell into the trap of this contest. I have pushed myself and I am at this point where nothing was worth it. However, I can”t help to feel bland when I think that I have also been competed against. I will be used as a tool of measurement, and I will fall short.

Confusion is a funny word in itself. The absolute perfect word to describe a state of daze swallowed in a whirlpool of simply not knowing. This may not be an actual accredited definition, but it’s the best way I can explain it. The initial idea is to warm up to reasoning, then from there its understanding. Confusion is the middle man that has an opinion, but no one really cares for the middle man. However, its questions may be so detailed at times, that you are forced to think of reasoning behind your reasoning. Then, you are lost in thoughts of uncertainty. Suddenly, your mind is playing the pro and con game for no apparent reason but to understand your reasoning. Confusion is a commodity the world could do without. Thus leading to wrinkles, hair loss, and time lost. Confusion sets out to make you ask questions that have no answers. Answers to what? Answers to a long term betterment for reasoning with yourself! I, personally, could do with our confusion. However, it will not set me free.

It’s been nearly three weeks since I took the dive and quit my job. I have no regrets, none at all. I decided to quit to chase some dream to become news reporter where I may only find a job at a small market television station. A job where the pay would be as small at the market I work for. I must say that the true reason to quit was happiness. I remember handing in my two weeks notice to both of my managers where I thought I would get grief; instead I received tears from the two ladies whom one was not to happy to see me leave. The other was just as sad to lose me, but she was the one that kept on saying that I could do better. Not better at my not so current job, but better with my life. Understanding that in itself was the hardest thought to process. Someone, besides my close friends and family saw some sort of potential in me. Family and friends are there to tell you that you have potential; it comes with the label as a best friend, a brother, a mother, etc. Although, when an outsider says that you are not one to fall in line with the rest of the soldiers, that is a feeling of surrealism. Not knowing how far I will go, who I will be associated with a month from now, and unsure if I will make an impact is a thrill in itself. With all this said, I am ready to take these next steps in my life. However, I am not sure if I can handle the thought of letting people down because I was not able to reach my goal.