Everything

What can I say? For the first time in my life, I have nothing to say. I know I screwed up. I had somehting there sitting right there in front of me. What do I do? I let it go away! Why even write? I have overlooked soemthing that will affect not just today, but my whole life. I am personally blamed for my own let down. I am not saying that I will end my life. However, it will affect my direction for the rest of my life. I had soemhtign right there that would be a sure thing for me and everyone around me. It is so funny how you never realize what you could have. Instead, you look for what ifs! What if I do this? Or what if I do that? Enough of this and that, it’s time to look for NOW. I am my own person, I cannot let others ideas and directions (for me) affect my decision. It is crazy. I am LOST! Where do i go from here. I kept on digging my own grave and I never realized it. Now, I mus worry about what is to be. Whereas, I could have worred about what is to come and what would I do with it. It sounds the the same, but there is a thin line. I know I might be little confusing, but who cares. This is my outlet to write and figure things out; but, i am still lost.

It is interesting to see how much a person measures him/herself. I have recently found myself doing the same thing. Do I have what it takes? If i do have “it”, what is “it”. Constantly, I am in the search of an answer I do not the the question to. Do we really measure ourselves by lining up with the rest of the world? Ever individual is in the constant fight to be better than each other. That’s not a measurement, thats a contest. I am not here for this contest. If i do decide to compete, what is my prize? I know! The prize will be bragging right for this mediocre bubble we call life. If that is the case, leave me out of this race. Believe what you will. When is the last time you (the reader) did not do something just to be ahead? You push yourself and you keep on pushing to the point that there is no fight left in you. Then, one day you look back on your life and you see all you have done and what do you do? You compare. You compare yourself to everyone you have ever known to make justification of all the good you have done. I am not saying for a person not to push themselves to be the best. What I am saying that there is a thin line between doing it for yourself and doing it for a reward. It the end, we justify ourself to realize who you actually are. I have come close, I have almost fell into the trap of this contest. I have pushed myself and I am at this point where nothing was worth it. However, I can”t help to feel bland when I think that I have also been competed against. I will be used as a tool of measurement, and I will fall short.